I am in my half made bed, a cup of tea and a glass of milk on hand, as well as my cat, Pia. The sun is shining on my hands. I feel warm. It's a bit too cold outside for me yet. I love the sun of January, but the air is chilled. I long for warmer weather.
Anyway, I had a very hard night last night. I believe the Blessed Mother comforted me as much as I could receive. Tears are locked down inside of me, unable to pass the Celexa barrier that protects me from suicidal thoughts. I guess I feel angry that our society doesn't take the time to protect the suicidal from suicide. Instead, it gives them a pill and encourages them to be productive and functional. It gives them few means (and expensive ones at that) to get to the bottom of how they feel.
I'm saying "them" but I'm one of "them." Thank heaven I have a therapy session today. But, I'm feeling so vulnerable, I'm afraid it won't help. I'm afraid that Anna will be "mean" to me and not understand. It doesn't help that she looks like BW. That could be why I don't trust her. Anyway, I feel angry at my husband. His grandmother is dying and he's going through a developmental stage that I went through when Ma died. The passing of a generation is hard. Especially when the generation after it is not a comforting one.
But I see Chris taking comfort in his family, which hurts me because his family has treated me so unfairly in the past. Expectations have been so high. Emotional freedom has been denied. Oh, why am I so intellectual about this? I feel awful! I feel angry. I feel betrayed. All the feelings I "took care of" by avoiding his family 8 years ago have returned with the additional baggage of real grief over his grandmother.
That clans propensity to play...and only play, sets my skin on edge. I want to scream "GET REAL" and run out of the room. What hurts so much is my husband's joining in and embracing them. Trish says its that "primal" connection to family that's taking over. Whatever the case, I feel angry and afraid. Afraid, alas that he is either going to leave me, or that we will be forever divided over this issue. That he will forever defend his family against me, instead of the other way around. That's what has happened so far and that is why I am hurt.
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